Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
quarantine day 3
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Very problematic