*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*