<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
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Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.