do u think theres a butter planet?
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PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
when u get so high u forget u ordered food