ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
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Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
The point of your 20s
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka: