Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
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[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The cashier just checked me out.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL