MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
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me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
We’ve all been there…
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty