For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Covid like
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave