Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
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Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*