bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
brian had himself a morning…
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.