Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
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your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.