“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
i spent way too long on this
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
birds and squirrels envy us
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.