Saving my good tweets for marriage
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.