Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
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Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
the dark web is just a goth google.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse