It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*eats only grass-fed donuts
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
You saw nothing. I am ham.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog