Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
*me flirting
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.