GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
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Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.