If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.