congratulations to them
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“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Got ya covered
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest