I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
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What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?