Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
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You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.