I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
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Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.