[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
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If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.