[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.