Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
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*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.