Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
You Might Also Like
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I cannot stop laughing at this
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!