[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
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why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
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I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.