ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
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Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.