Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
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At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Haha! 😂
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*