Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
channeling her this year
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Need WebMD
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.