“and how does that make you feel?”
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[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.