Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
This is so me 😂😂
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.