assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
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caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.