In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
You Might Also Like
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Worth remembering.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.