You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
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We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep