It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
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I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
reminder
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.