popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Me: I鈥檓 tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I鈥檓 so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
me: It鈥檚 raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you鈥檙e good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn鈥檛 you tell me there鈥檚 cheese in my hair
Him: you didn鈥檛 ask about your hair
Once upon a time, I鈥檇 leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it鈥檚 probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
It鈥檚 terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we鈥檙e all dealing with a lot rn
Introverted vegans go meetless
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn鈥檛 have tide pods*
When a comma gets too high it鈥檚 an apostrophe
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*