No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
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I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
the rocks need my help
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit