Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
3% human
97% stress
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
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No one: I can hear screaming