me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
You Might Also Like
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.