Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
That 👊
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences