Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
You Might Also Like
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?