why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
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Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.