police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
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Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.