me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
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Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Dune (2021)
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone