One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
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My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Skills
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women