When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
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*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy