The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
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Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?