Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
You Might Also Like
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
🤣🤣
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Encore…
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂