Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
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Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.